Someone please guide me. i am aiming aimlessly for a very long time already. Am i born to be like this?
why i can counsel others, and not my own mind, body , soul ?
what problem in me that i have so many question marks in me?
why cant i be more decisive?
why cant i be as successful as others?
why cant i be myself?
Lastly, WHY cant i be those above?
i have been searching for myself for a very long time. Puaychin, Feipa know that i still cant find myself after such a long time
Puaychin had guided me throughout my toughest time, yet i cant do a small little thing to meet her up because of my projects and exams pilling up.
She pulled me through when one feet of mine is already stepping into the coffin, i cried in front of her, i begged for her help when i am in trouble, Joelyn, My Dad, My Family, lastly Myself. She probe me till she doesnt have saliva, we can sit under the moon and smoke one packet without knowing it. But after last quarrel, we seems distant. Yes i do miss you, u once let me go and let me find own my happiness, this time i let u go for u to find yours too. and please find a presentable back for your papa. NO HALAL please.
She ownself had her own problem also, her mum for instance. I know she loves her dad so much, but she have something call HOME which i have yearn to experience it.
Feipa guided me throughout too , but just in a indirectly way. From last time i dislike him till he been with me for 7 years. He's a man of harsh words but with a soft hard.
He is the same as me, always putting up a Happy Front in front of our friends.
We laugh together, we went Laos to have fun together. Sometimes we know that either each of us is in the fault, but we never bring it up, because we know we need each other all the time.
He seldom share his problems, i want to help him, but i am strengthless. i am not the last time ME.
My Big Brother has tried all alternatives to try to talk to me. From messages to writing in paper to Email to Facebook inbox. i appreciate and i know the message he want to send and let me know it. But i guess is because we have drifted so much during our younger days, i dont know what to do. is like the voice is coming from a different space. Angel is telling me to do the right thing, Devil is telling me not. But at the age of 20, he had to carry the burden of the whole family. It is not an easy task, he once nearly sank into depression, but i am glad he had pull through. i tried to learn him, learning,searching,posting,sharing the wisdom words that i come across, it motivated me. Yes it did , but for a little while, the next moment i am drifting like fcking no body business.
If wanna compare between me and him, he suffered more than me, he went through what a teenager shouldnt be going through. His gf left him at the same time my dad just passed away.His POP as an officer,my dad cant be present.Sometimes i wonder what mentality he had in him. What Mightly strength he has, and how he got it.
My mum blame him for converting to Amen, i didnt. Because this is what that helps him.His Beliefs comes from GOD.
I thought everything changes when i met huifen. She's chubby and cute. always the innocent her.
i wanna crush all challenges in life i would met in my future with her.
but i did sth so wrong that shouldnt be forgiven, yet she did.
she had such a gracious heart that i myself wont wish to receive it.
we had timed-off once, i really thought alot during that period.
i am glad that now her dad is trying to accept me.
i dont know is it because of the festive season, or really he had accepted the fate that her daughter had me as her boyfriend.
he told me alot during the reunion dinner.
During the whole conversation, i think back, i had went pass all this ordeals, all this unneccesary things. From being so notorious to being a normal person.
i dont know is it the more i try not to get worked up so easy over a person that make me so many doubts now.
People stare at me, i look away. they try to disturb me, i apologize to them.
i duno is it because i dont want to have trouble that make me so soft now.
so many people has stepped over my head. i just dont want to start a trouble.
Or is it i had grown up, my thinking had maturise.
But i vowed to myself before, if there is an inevitable fight that i had to go for, its either the person really stop breathing and so my future gone or i am dead not thinking anything.
If anyone is to touch my family members, no chance will be given anyway.
Many friends comes and goes. Good one stays, bad ones at least make me learn something out of them. Human are very realistic. Really very. the sames applies to me also.
Chances are to be fight and not given.
This post is specially dedicated to
Mr Gui Eng Hong From
Manjusri Secondary.it's been so long since i last blogged. but after seeing Mr Gui Video of his farewell to all students. i decided to place my fingers on the keyboard.
Mr gui i know you wont be reading this.
but i wanna you to know that you're a very dedicated and unique special teacher.
in my whole 20 years of life, i never seen anyone like you. but i am blessed that i once know you.
i still remember during relief period of my DNT, you teach us what is life.
you told us that u lost your parents,
you teaches us to cherish everyone around us,
you blessed us with all your strength,
you chant for your parents whenever you are free.
at first i thought you are a mad teacher, maybe that is when i am still young and not in the correct state of mind.
you put in your whole heart in teaching students. you set up website for us to download past year paper, u post your email online to enable us to reach you for questions.
Lastly, you spent almost half of your life in teaching.
I
Jayvier Tan Poh Leong Year 2002-2007 student of Manjusri Secondaryblessed you with dragon's health for your family.
May your children grew up to be someone like you.
spreading your priceless wisdom..
I will always remember you
Mr gui.you etched a memory in me.
Take care always.
Regards.
